k-keepsakes

Keepsakes are such a personal thing, a reminder, a memory,something special in time ,place and person.

Too many and they become fears, anxiety that losing the article means losing the memory and it turns to hoarding.

I'm not a true hoarder , there is a clear path through my home, but I confess to boxes of ...stuff...memories. Some from my childhood and some from my childrens.

Not that long ago we were renovating and had to find somewhere(the dining room...sigh) for the boxes and accumulated.."stuff".I went through it,some of it was sellable, things we had bought to use for the house but changed our minds or bought something else when the original couldn't be found. Some of the stuff belonged to the kids and has been given back and other bits were ..well..rubbish... exit 6 boxes. I figure if I hadn't looked for or needed the paperwork in 10 years then I didn't need it....3 boxes ..gone!! So now we are down to Christmas decorations/tree/lights, a few paintings and frames left from the gallery and the odd few things still belonging to the kids...and my keepsakes.

I have kept a few things from each of the kids, things they made at school or at  home for the christmas tree. No Easter bonnets ,they were huge,elaborate things that fell apart and/or got eaten .
My keys still hang on a key hangery thing that Danny made in preschool and gave me for mothers day. My china cabinet is chockas full of keepsakes. The cigars given for our firsborn. The small gifts given for each of them as babies, ceramic booties and crochet slippers, a vest I knitted for one,another  a cardigan and another a  teddy bear. My wedding bouquet and my bridesmaid bouquet for my middle sisters wedding that I didn't attend as I was in hospital having lost a baby. A collection of $2 shop resin bears that the children would buy for me for Christmas with their $2  for each gift Christmas spending money.

Little 18th and 21st plastic silver keys, markers of the occasions, one a party event at" home" and the other as a newly wed at my inlaws with a simple cupcake.

The wedding champagne glasses I took my first sip from as a married woman,A hip to toe plaster cast from our toddlers broken leg. Netball trophy's from when I was a child, an embroidered apron from Les's great great aunt, his mothers wedding ring, his signed  wooden 21st key .
I have nothing of my mums in there, she had her own cabinet much the same as mine and the things are packed away ,safe, at his home. My Nonna used to collect bonbonaire from every wedding she went to , at my wedding she was the only one we gave one to! She must have had 100 of these little lacy pretty thankyous. When she passed I asked my uncle about them, but he had thrown them away, they were just dust collectors to him,to the 9 grandchildren they were part of the fabric of our childhood ,as Nonna would go to each one in the cabinet and show us whose wedding it belonged to with a photo of the bride and groom, every time we visited.
For a long time nothing had been added to the cabinet other than dust, the kids no longer draw special pictures,make cards or bring home merit certificates. But with Gemma's wedding came a few new keepsakes and I know I will have to make room for things from my grandchildren. So my next job is to get in there take it all out, sort it, dust it, probably have a little tear over some things and then put it all back leaving  room for the new memories.

J=Jokes

I can't tell a joke, I stumble mumble, forget things and generally stuff it up,so that they are unfunny.

Here's a couple I could not tell to save my life but I reckon are funny and so you don't have to suffer me skipping lines and forgetting and starting again 3 times and telling you where its funny before I finish...I've written them down.



One day,waiting in line for lunch ,Pete says to Dave behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I think I might go see a doctor."

"Nahh, a doctor'll cost you heaps,you don't have to spend that much," Mike replies. "There's computer at the chemist up the street . Just piss in a jar  and the computer'll tell you what's wrong with you and tell you what to do. It takes ten seconds and costs ten bucks...waaaay cheaper than the quack."

So Pete pee's in a little jar and takes it to the chemist. He puts in ten dollars,  the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the pee  into the slot . Ten seconds later, the computer spits out a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

At home he was thinking about it and  while he thought it was amazing ,he began wondering if the computer could be fooled.So, he mixed some tap water, a bit of poop  from his dog,hair samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Pete hurries back to the chemist, eager to check the results. Heputs in his ten bucks, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

A young man  walks into a Department Store carrying a help wanted sign. He states, "I'd like to apply for the job, please!"

The store owner replies, "Do you have any experience selling Tooth Brushes?"

"Nope!" .

"Well OK," says the owner, "I'm in a hurry so I'll give you a shot. I'll be back at closing." And he leaves.

At closing the store owner comes back and asks, "How many tooth brushes did you sell?"

: "I sold one tooth bruth"

"Just ONE?" exclaims the owner, "That will never do. Let's see how well you do tomorrow, I'll be back at closing"

The next day at closing time the owner shows up at the store and asks  how many tooth brushes he sold that day.
the reply, "I sold one Tooth Bruth."

The owner is very upset at this news and says, "One tooth brush is not enough, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go."

 "Oh No, please don't let me go. Give me one more chance, I gno I can do better."

So the owner gives him one more day and leaves.

The next day the owner returns to his store only to find hundreds of empty tooth brush crates laying all over. He turns to the man and says, "Holy cow! How many Tooth Brushes did you sell ?"

The young man replies, "I sold three thoushand three hundred and thirty three Tooth Brushes!"

"My, how on earth did you do that?" replies the store owner.

"Well you see," , "I went out into the mall and thet up this table, and on one side I put some chips, and on the other side I put thome dips. Then I put a big sign behind the table that read: 'Free Chips & Dips.' Then the people they came and first they picked up a chip then they dipped it in the dip and then they ate it."

"Is that it?" replied the owner.

"Well no," , "after they ate it they would say, 'Hey this stuff tastes like shit!' and  I would saay, 'It is, ... wanna buy a Tooth Bruth?!?!?!?'"

I've found a new form of funny that I think is hilarious ,the autocorrect fails, some of them crack me up,here's a few:

I found this the other day , its dog texts to his owner...hilarious.... bat dog and zombie pigeon.......

BOOM BOOM

I=intuition

Intuition... when you just know it!!!

It's the thing that makes you turn around while driving, to see that your child is choking on something,or sneaking a peek at them to see why it's too quiet , to find every item of clothing from their wardrobes and drawers is on the floor along with every single toy.

The gut feeling that no matter how cheap this item is, it's going to fall apart  5 mins after you use it or  wear it out.


 I was on the phone to my Dad a while back, while looking at google maps to see if I could find the remains  of the old slab house my mum grew up in and asked dad what the number of the house was. He couldn't remember. It was one of those places you just knew where it was, and went there, didn't send letters to it. While I was talking a  number popped into my head....63, I said to Dad I thought Mum had given me the number, he laughed and said he thought it was , but not sure. Months later while going through and album Dad had brought down to me, in it there was a photo of Aunt Liz's hut...there was the number printed underneath 67...,Pop's place was 2 doors back making it number 63...thanks Mum !!!

For some people its a judge of character  and that can either be good or bad. I know people who seem to draw people who "need" them. And then get walked over, but they don't see that coming. Other people can spot a conman/woman at 30 paces.

I  was recently at  a McDonalds sitting at one of those windows that butt out from side of the entrance, so that I was able to watch a dog that had been tied to a table leg while the owner got a coffee . His reactions to people were fascinating. Most people he took an interest in, some more than others, he would lift his head and sniff, or just watch people with interest. It didn't appear to have anything to do with food, he didn't look hungry at all and some people weren't carrying food.
This one man , he had been sitting at the back with his wife,smoking away while having his food , and decided to leave. There was nothing untoward just to look at him, he looked a little like an old  "hippy farmer." As he walked past, I watched the dog ...shrink. It sort of closed up and shrank back, not looking at the man at all. I had seen the dog ignore some people or just raise one eyebrow and not be bothered with their smell, but this person he obviously did not like. It creeped me out.

Have you had any moments of great or small intuition?

G-growths

I'm a little behind now, have been unwell with an arthritis flare, getting back on track now .

The universe has a sense of humour I think.Freckles, warts, pimples, skin tags.

What is with skin tags, don't you just want to rip em off if you see one? I can't help looking at them,they rarely stay still.I  want to grab the tweezers....and scissors....and SNIP.

They always remind me of that scene with John Candy playing Uncle Buck when he goes to the school about his niece for a meeting with the assistant principal, she's  got this big  hairy mole on her face:

Anita: I'm Anita Hoargarth.
Uncle Buck : [Staring at it] I'm Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I'm... I'm the wart. She's my tumor. My... my growth. My... uh, my pimple. I'm Uncle Wart. Just old Buck "Wart" Russell. That's what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that. "Melanoma Head's coming." I'm s... uncle! Maisy Russell's uncle!

Hahaha I miss John Candy.

When I went to school we were sure frogs gave you warts, or boys. We had to hold hands with boys for compulsory dancing lessons more often than we handled frogs,so I'm guessing it was the boys.

I had one on my hand for years, it got huge .I did the wart paint and bandaid over a bandaid with a hole in it thing and eventually it came off.Then the darn thing grew back and brought friends, so I did it again, got rid of the big one and it left taking the friends with it.

I was so glad I had no freckles, or very few. The kids with lots of them had to endure the "join the dots" jokes.There were endless recipes passed around for fading them...to this day I believe lemon juice works?

In highschool  it was hair and pimples. What the hell? Hairy legs, eyebrows, underarms........................nether regions...........now that was a surprise!!! And pimples. ohh those buggers right on the tip of your nose....on school photo day. And the one at the edge of your lip, tiny tiny little thing , but squeeze it and a giant plug finds its way out of that tiny hole and the pain  brings you to your knees...like childbirth without the involuntary pushing..

Then there's the weird growth on your brain that makes you want to be with boys and go out and drink alcohol and eventually marry one.

Which leads to  a really large growth.

which has growths of it's own and these ones are parasites.

Some people have their growths removed, fixed, groomed or they are just lucky and don't have any

new freckles, stretch marks........plantar warts,now there's a new torture. pre cancerous skin lesions, they cut those suckers out.  Ask for a skin check? be prepared for scalpel and stitches.

I'm going to pretty them up though and get this etched permanently, the more the merrier I reckon.

                                                  The universe is hilarious ......... tears of laughter!!!!

F-Forgetful

pic from  Sodahead

You've probably gathered by now I'm a tad forgetful? As my mother used to say...I'd forget my head if it wasn't............

I forget things all the time. I can't remember half the stuff I've forgotten!!

I go into a room and forget what for. If I put something down....say... my glasses while looking for my keys, then I can't remember where I put my glasses!

ahh don't you just hate that? It's just the same as," I've got a secret...............nah I can't tell you" !!!

The other day I meant to ask at the doctors about my memory. I forgot to ask.

When I was nursing part time ,I  had 3 kids under 4 to organise ,I don't remember being so forgetful. Pretty sure I fed them and had their immunisations done on time. The less I have to remember the less I remember. Unless it was 40 years ago. Those things I remember. Not in a day to day conversation verbatim  way but there's plenty in the file.Some things the file has a label but no contents. hhmmm, for example a family reunion in  Parammatta Park in the 80's. I remember I went, and that's about it.

That it right there!! 

I have downloaded a post it note thingy for my laptop desktop...must remember to use it!!!

E-Embarrassing

My life is full of little embarrassing moments. Some of them could have been avoided if I wasn't gullible or so forgetful. And I've had the " I could die" embarrassment a few times too.


Kindergarten at school was where I "learned" to be embarrassed. I don't remember it before then. but being shown up in class by being hit with a ruler or made to sit by yourself for some slight, kinda ingrains it.To me there's a difference between embarrassment and shame.I figure if your're embarrassed and feel shame too, you were up to something you shouldn't have been.



At school I remember being sooo embarrased by  " I told him you like him" or "that boy likes you"
"your mum is at the school office/ tuckshop/outside your class waiting.............."


I used to fall for this a lot.. the person waving and smiling at me.I'd wave back,often madly and then realise they were never waving at me at all,but the person behind. 100 more embarrasment points if it's someone you actually know.
These days  I need glasses to see faces, so now I get embarrassed when you tell me I didn't wave.

I was a blusher, if the attention was on me for any reason I would blush. blushing in  itself is embarrassing"LOOK she's blushing" .....sigh



Being a new mum has infinite ways of embarrassing you

ahh the early days ,shopping or working and late for a feed.

baby spew, lovely. It has a smell of its own when dry . Extra 20 embarrassment points if its not your baby and you have somewhere to be and no change of clothes.

Luckily my children still love me

a night on the turps...........

I went on a 2nd date many moons ago and drank too much, on the way home I started making those gagging noises, you know the ones  ooooorghlug .,"quick pull over" Up it came . more arrrrooooghaaaa. and more.aaaaroooooooooghhhhhhhhggguuuuulllll It was quiet ride home.

Apart from please, thankyou , no elbows on the table and eat everything on our plate, we didn't have any dining ettiquete. I went to a friends family birthday dinner when I was about 16. My food was put in front of me, everyone smiled, so I tucked in, I looked up momentarily to about 4 faces glaring at me. I didn't wait for the host to sit and pick up her fork.oops.

I always worry about this...

 yeah every damn time...

I never never ask if someone is pregnant ,even if I hear them talking about babies.I did once, she had had the baby a week before.  If you're going to eavesdrop...be better at it .


I haven't done anything that made me want to be swallowed by a big hole recently. It's embarrassing enough forgetting things and being gullible enough to believe  something the  kids tell me and give them a giggle these  days.

And now I get ready to embarrass a whole new generation !!!

D=doggydooo

OMG LOOK,,,,,,,,,,,Made you look !!(you dirty chook)

Pretending doggy do that is.

The late 70's was the pinnacle of random prank items.

 I'm not sure I knew anyone who didn't have a set of these beauties..

My friends and I used to visit one of these shops, not this one exactly but close enough. We travelled for over an hour by train ,bought our delicacies and wandered about creating havoc .

Imagine sitting anywhere really but especially  for an hour in a train carriage reading your book, minding your own business, when a gaggle of teens with one of these laugh bags are in the seats in front of you .Have you heard on of these things?

 Yeah it was us...sorry bout that ...

I had a friend who just loved these, and the eyeballs. Nothing like a fly floating in your drink ,real or not.

arrrgh I fell for this ...every...damn....time.....

I thought my friend Rob would get me arrested and carted off to juvie at the age of 14!! He  would aim this stuff at the  backs of people coming down elevators as we were going up.Very sneakily, no one ever saw. The brand we had would squirt a fair way... Oddly no one ever tapped anyone on the shoulder to let them know they suddenly had blue ink all over the back of their shirt. The odd person felt something and looked about, giving us an odd look(the maniacal laughter ceased immediately) but we looked innocent right back at them.

These were hellishly expensive but good tricks on parents... not your own parents, they saw right through it, but other peoples parents..........

I am so gullible........sigh

one I didn't fall for,only because it was not tried on me

ahh yes the old vomit. ..........Vomit and doggy poo was always somewhere on someones floor 

nice.... lots of fun from this one, another one we annoyed unwary train travelers with....as well as teachers,  parents, shop keepers.........friends.........

I'm feeling a little sorry now for the fellow railmotor travellers. This time it was smoke bombs. once started it could not be stopped, water made it worse. Sorry..we didn't know it would smell.

Dear, Hand buzzer...sod off,

 "Noooooooooooooo, I'm not doing anytihing, see? nothing in my hand, just shake my hand"" I want to show you something" or hey, feel this"........"what?"... aaarrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhh 

Thank goodess my kids didn't take after me for wickedness.