Which way is North?

These are answers to questions sent to an Australian tourism site........I doubt these were the published answers !!!!

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the

plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not

... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come

naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is

> Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good

pets.

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Books -are you a big reader?

The very first chapter book that saw me hooked on reading was this one. I read it in grade 2.I forgot everything other than the plot and that it started with a j sound and I could never find it again. I named my daughter after this book..........and got it wrong ....she is Gemma the book is Jessamy. Close but not .

searching the internet for plots helped me to find it when my children were little and I found a copy and read it to them,they enjoyed it aswell even though the writing is so old fashioned now, compared to say Morris Gleitzman.

The book isn't on this list,but it's on mine.

Jessamy written by by Barbara Sleigh in 1967 is a children's book that sendt Jessamy through a timeslip into the time around WW1 in England.Through a series of events during the timeslip Jessamy solves a mystery and saves the reputation of an elderly man in the present.

”The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here.

I counted 49 and couple I dipped into and never finished. Have found a couple on the list that look interesting that'll I find and read, and a few I've forgotten and would love to read again.



Instructions:
• Copy this list.
• Bold those books you’ve read in their entirety.
• Italicise the ones you started but didn’t finish or read only an excerpt.
• Tag other book nerds.”


Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
Harry Potter series – JK Rowling
To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
The King James Bible
Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) – George Orwell
His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman
Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
Little Women – Louisa M Alcott
Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy
Catch 22 – Joseph Heller
Complete Works of Shakespeare
Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
Birdsong – Sebastian Faulk
Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger
The Time Traveler’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
Middlemarch – George Eliot
Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell
The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald
War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll
The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame
Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis
Emma -Jane Austen
Persuasion – Jane Austen
The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe – CS Lewis
The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres
Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
Winnie the Pooh – A.A. Milne
Animal Farm – George Orwell
The DaVinci Code – Dan Brown
One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving
The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery
Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
Lord of the Flies – William Golding
Atonement – Ian McEwan
Life of Pi – Yann Martel
Dune – Frank Herbert
Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
The Secret History – Donna Tartt
The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
On The Road - Jack Kerouak
Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding
Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
Moby Dick – Herman Melville
Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
Dracula – Bram Stoker
The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett
Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson
Ulysses – James Joyce
The Inferno – Dante
Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
Germinal – Emile Zola
Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
Possession – AS Byatt
Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
The Color Purple – Alice Walker
The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
Charlotte’s Web – E.B. White
The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
Watership Down – Richard Adams
A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
Hamlet – William Shakespeare
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl
Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

some aussie speak

tough cookies = bad luck

brolly = umbrella

chook = chicken
I have chooks in my backyard, they give me an eggaday if i'm lucky


shot through = done a bunk = done the bolt = dissapeared....

thats a bit hot = thats a bit ripe = thats a bit steep = unfair or expensive

a bit more choke and you would have started = u should be flyin around the room = who let the dog in? = something crawl up there and die? =fart

carked it=died

a good few =lots

having a squizz=just looking

talking nineteen to the dozen= talks non stop

face-ache = an irritating person--------- (theres an oldy i havent heard since school in the 70's)

buckleys chance=buckleys and none=no chance whatsoever

uggh boots=sheepskin boots

rooted=just had sex or very very tired

buggered= very tired

turn it up= stop it

suck eggs = ha ha serves u right ...


mad as a hatter.......nutty as a fuitcake........bats in the belfry...sandwich short of a pcinic.......2 cents short of a dollar.......a bit thick...thick as a dunny door....thick as 2 planks...........a fruit loop......

going to rats= doing something really really fast.

bit rough around the edges........>>>>>>>>feral = a person who lives differently to the rest of us
scrubber = female of the above species

I reckon = my 2 cents worth


bloody oath=too right=i agree

Your gotta be kidding= i don't agree

he'll run rings around me= someone u cant keep up with in speed or conversation.

prawn=shrimp

ohhh on ya.... sarcastic thanks NOT


Yanks and Poms= Americans and British.
PERGOLA
had a funny chat with some girls from Canada and US yesterday and they
didn't know what a PERGOLA was. I'll clear it up for you

Pergola = outdoor entertainment area
Its basically a patio, but it can be attatched to the house or
freestanding. A patio is always attatched to the house. A patio can be
without a roof, just a concrete slab or pavers. A pergola always has a
roof of some sort ,might be just beams open to the sky, or covered with
shadecloth or might be very upmarket and have a clorbond steel roof. A
pergola is is always "open ' where a patio can be screened. LOL clear
as mud???


when i go swimming I wear my cossies if I'm in NSW and my togs if I'm in queensland



Randy=horny=feel like having sex


root=have sex


Pissed= very,very drunk..there are stages of pissed ...just pissed, heaps pissed, way pissed,paraletic pissed,passed out pissed.


If you are wondering why soembody is in a bad mood try asking them "whats up with you, you got a hair across your arse???"


to get people to go away, you can tell them to "rack off" ":get lost" piss off""f*** off" or "buggar off"


"dead set"= as a question = really? or as an answer=yep true


if you "get agro" you are really, really cranky and about to hit someone.


"going somewhere this arvo" youre going there in the afternoon


"airy fairy" nosense = talking about religion or can also be talking about someone seen to be "snobby" puting on "airs and graces" thinking a lot of themselves type of person.


"fanny" is not the bit you sit on over here, rather its the female "private parts" so when you talk about "falling on your fanny" or "sweet fanny apples" or something it makes for a "bit of a shock."

oh and we wear thongs on our feet =flip flops

g-string= thong




One time i said Hooray (goodbye cya later) in depression chat room and the person leaving got most upset, they thought I was cheering because they were leaving .....ooops





on that note I'll say hooray
ok that'll do, okey dokey, enuffs enuff,


cheers,