Here's a couple I could not tell to save my life but I reckon are funny and so you don't have to suffer me skipping lines and forgetting and starting again 3 times and telling you where its funny before I finish...I've written them down.
One day,waiting in line for lunch ,Pete says to Dave behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I think I might go see a doctor."
"Nahh, a doctor'll cost you heaps,you don't have to spend that much," Mike replies. "There's computer at the chemist up the street . Just piss in a jar and the computer'll tell you what's wrong with you and tell you what to do. It takes ten seconds and costs ten bucks...waaaay cheaper than the quack."
So Pete pee's in a little jar and takes it to the chemist. He puts in ten dollars, the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the pee into the slot . Ten seconds later, the computer spits out a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
At home he was thinking about it and while he thought it was amazing ,he began wondering if the computer could be fooled.So, he mixed some tap water, a bit of poop from his dog,hair samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Pete hurries back to the chemist, eager to check the results. Heputs in his ten bucks, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
A young man walks into a Department Store carrying a help wanted sign. He states, "I'd like to apply for the job, please!"
The store owner replies, "Do you have any experience selling Tooth Brushes?"
"Well OK," says the owner, "I'm in a hurry so I'll give you a shot. I'll be back at closing." And he leaves.
At closing the store owner comes back and asks, "How many tooth brushes did you sell?"
: "I sold one tooth bruth"
"Just ONE?" exclaims the owner, "That will never do. Let's see how well you do tomorrow, I'll be back at closing"
The next day at closing time the owner shows up at the store and asks how many tooth brushes he sold that day.
the reply, "I sold one Tooth Bruth."
The owner is very upset at this news and says, "One tooth brush is not enough, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go."
"Oh No, please don't let me go. Give me one more chance, I gno I can do better."
So the owner gives him one more day and leaves.
The next day the owner returns to his store only to find hundreds of empty tooth brush crates laying all over. He turns to the man and says, "Holy cow! How many Tooth Brushes did you sell ?"
The young man replies, "I sold three thoushand three hundred and thirty three Tooth Brushes!"
"My, how on earth did you do that?" replies the store owner.
"Well you see," , "I went out into the mall and thet up this table, and on one side I put some chips, and on the other side I put thome dips. Then I put a big sign behind the table that read: 'Free Chips & Dips.' Then the people they came and first they picked up a chip then they dipped it in the dip and then they ate it."
"Is that it?" replied the owner.
"Well no," , "after they ate it they would say, 'Hey this stuff tastes like shit!' and I would saay, 'It is, ... wanna buy a Tooth Bruth?!?!?!?'"
I've found a new form of funny that I think is hilarious ,the autocorrect fails, some of them crack me up,here's a few:
I found this the other day , its dog texts to his owner...hilarious.... bat dog and zombie pigeon.......